I’ve witnessed many awkward conversations being avoided over the years. I guess none of us get excited about the thought of confronting character flaws or underperformance in others, so avoidance seems like a good strategy right? Well no it would seem – failure to have difficult conversations will come back and bite us. I suspect we don’t want to say things that may hurt others but if we avoid the difficult conversations then that is exactly what will happen. Issues not appropriately dealt with will create a toxicity which will seep into your relationship with them and it won’t end well. Multiply these avoided conversations to a number of people and you have a toxic culture.

I’ve often witnessed situations where people don’t want to just ignore the difficult issue, but they also don’t want to address it so they try another strategy – they try and just ‘move the problem’. Maybe the person concerned has shown a character flaw in an area of ministry or function and rather than address it, they simply get moved to a new area of ministry or new function with the hope that a fresh start will fix the issue. In my experience it won’t fix it and it will probably end badly!

But another device I’ve seen over the years, is one where people deal with such confrontations inappropriately and end up hurting the person concerned and probably themselves. So while I believe confrontation is essential it is very important that we confront appropriately. It takes care and focus but I believe everyone can do it well.

Here are 3 tips I’ve discovered for confronting issues appropriately:

1. Have a vision for the person

We shouldn’t confront issues simply to point out their past failures – we should confront issues to help the person step into a more fruitful future. So if you’re angry or upset about whatever has gone wrong, you need to deal with that in your heart and mind before seeing them – good confrontation is not a therapy session for your tangled emotions. Deal with the pain in your heart before you deal with the actions of another person.

Once my heart is right I seek to discern a vision for the persons future so I can speak into their lives with redemptive hope. If discerning such things are difficult for you then invite them to share about the hopes and dreams they have for their lives. Once you have a vision filled future in your mind for them, the problem can be approached as a hurdle to be overcome so they can move forward.

2. Separate fact from judgement

A mistake often made when confronting issues is the twinning together of ‘facts’ and ‘judgements’. Facts are those things that are true and free from exaggeration or attributable motives. So for example ‘I noticed you arrived 20 minutes late this morning’. Judgement however, attributes a motive such as ‘I noticed you arrived 20 minutes late this morning and I’m really disappointed that have no regard for the implications of this on your fellow team‘. The judgement in this example claims the individual has ‘no regard for how their lateness impacts others’. At this point, the ‘accused’ will usually take exception to the ‘you have no regard’ because it was a guess, a suspicion or a ‘judgement’. All of us can try and discern a persons motive but we can’t really know if our guess is true and often it isn’t – so hold it back, don’t bring it to the table and don’t let it frame your assumptions. Instead stick to the facts and say ‘I noticed you arrived 20 minutes late this morning – is everything ok?’ You’ve stuck to the facts and given them an opportunity to explain. If they say ‘their car broke down’ you may actually want to applaud them for making it in ‘only’ 20 minutes later than expected, but if their answer doesn’t seem to have strong reasoning, then you can explore with them questions such as ‘do you have any thoughts as to how lateness can have an impact on the other members of the team’. You’ve kept it fair by sticking to the facts and holding back your guesswork or judgement.

3. Help them form a strategy to resolve the issue

Good leadership serves – it helps those they lead to improve. To help address issue in their life, they may need you to help them form a strategy. After all, the issue you are dealing with may have been a character issue for years in their life and simply helping them ‘understand the problem’ is probably not sufficient for them to actually ‘change the problem’.

Whilst the responsibility to change is theirs, the opportunity to help them change can be yours. It is often helpful to explore ways that they can introduce this change into their lives and make goals that are realistic, practical and as specific as possible.

So don’t avoid difficult conversations and don’t move a problem on. Instead deal with the hurt you may be feeling and 1. Get a vision for the person beyond the issue 2. Ensure you keep to the facts 3. Help them to form a strategy to move forward.

I would love to hear any thoughts on ways you’ve employed to confront issues well.